running wild

Hi. It’s been a while since I’ve started a blog, but here we are. This blog has a fairly specific practical purpose which I’ve never tried before: to raise money. I had a crazy dream to attend this very amazing horse gentling retreat in Colorado in August — something which I would never be able to afford barring some kind of serious lucky break. So on impulse I decided to try for a lucky break and started a GoFundMe campaign, and raised enough to put down a deposit on one of the two spaces left in the retreat, much to my surprise and enormous gratitude. Now I have until June 1 to come up with the rest of the cost of the retreat (another $2,500usd), so it’s time to get hustling to capture some hearts & minds & shares. Whether you’re a new reader or an old friend, I’m so glad you’re here, and I hope you’ll feel inspired to share my blog & GoFundMe campaign, and if you’re able to contribute to help get me there, you’d be one of my heroes for life. (will find a way to insert a link or a widget soon … but first, words! and maybe some pictures!)

I blogged my life for a couple of years around a time of critical change between 2007 and 2010, when I was a single, coparenting mama of two boys 8-12 year old boys (link coming once review/redaction has been completed). Over that period of time, I transitioned the ending of my first ‘real’ job as a university writing instructor, sold my first condo after only 2 years of home ownership, moved into a shared-living situation with roommates, started a PhD and a research program, and fell into and out of love. The blog ends around the time I got rid of everything and set off on an epic road trip with the boys to start my research in Mexico in 2011. I wrote another blog documenting that journey, and one of my deepest regrets is hitting the “delete” on that blog for reasons I don’t want to discuss. But I’ve burned a lot of things I regret burning, and I know that regret never brought anything back. The lessons of non-attachment have edges sometimes, and impermanence is a scary thing to confront. I’m starting to wear those edges smooth, though, and I’ve learned how to breathe through the knowledge that everything always changes. I could never have anticipated then where I would be now, almost a full decade later.

Here I am: in a palapa on the roof of a small house in a small town on the Pacific coast of Mexico. I have two more children, a daughter who is 4.5 and a son who just turned 1. My oldest, Kid 1, my sweet luminescent Moon, accidentally took himself away last year using fentanyl to numb some pain I didn’t even know he had. He was 21 years old and so full of potential and life and hope for the future. His younger brother, Kid 2, my sweet Monk, is 20 years old now and a brilliant engineering student who’s thriving in the most amazing, breathtaking way. I’m so grateful to have him out there healthy and well, doing his thing, and for the littles who need me here present every moment of every day. Starting this blog is a scary thing for me: I know it requires reaching into the undercurrent of grief and loss that every parent who’s lost a child carries around under the surface of the rest of their lives. But it’s a necessary part of the healing, for me. I have always processed through writing — so here we are: a blog about surviving the worst kind of loss a mother can imagine, about parenting and loving and living after one of your children is gone.

Since I’m not about being super depressing, and looking closely & compassionately at the sadness & grief & loss is only one element of healing, I reserve the right to cover all kinds of topics that interest me in this blog: parenting young & grown kids, navigating the challenges of cultivating a fiercely loving & conscious relationship with my polar opposite soul mate, coming back to my dream calling of being a writer (there will be poetry), listening to what animals have to teach me and learning how to live with them in the best way possible, finding a way to throw a few buckets of water on the dumpster fire of contemporary politics and cultures of consumption/disposal, and building skills to make a new world out of the scraps of the old one. Expect composting tips and heartbreak and discussions about poop. Welcome to my world.

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